Secrets
by BadWolfRising
Summary: Cragen. Munch. Cassidy. All gone. In the middle of secrets, lies, and departures, will Benson ever have a chance to find happiness? NOTE: Somewhat AU; Noah and Murphy do not make appearances in this story and Amaro is back at the precinct. NOTE2: The first SVU fanfic I ever wrote, so it's rough around the edges.
1. Chapter 1

SECRETS

Author note: _All SVU characters belong to Dick Wolf, not me. If they belonged to me, I'd be a lot nicer to them. Somewhat AU in the sense that Cassidy and Benson have broken up, Olivia doesn't have Noah yet and Murphy isn't part of the unit. Amanda and Nick have, well, done whatever they did. I prefer not to think about it._

Chapter One: _**The "morning" after**_

It was a dark and miserable night. Not stormy. Just miserable. Not only was it pitch black, there was that disgusting chilly fog rising from the streets. And for a change New York City was very quiet. The few people out that late were disconcerted. Later, they would tell their friends that it felt "freaky", "creepy", and just goddamn weird. And too quiet.

Usually New York was always noisy. Called the "city that never sleeps" often it was so loud that you couldn't hear your own thoughts. But tonight it was quiet and still, like the calm before the storm. The only thing that was missing was the pea-soup green skies. But the hush was there.

The hush before a very large storm.

And the storm was coming.

Very, very soon.

And the whole of NYC would be reeling. Or at least the whole of a certain precinct.

Olivia Benson yawned and rolled out of bed. God, she hated getting out of bed in the morning. Fifteen years in the Special Victims' Unit and shaking off the tempting seduction of morning sleep was still a big pain in the ass. _Must get coffee_, she thought. _Lots of coffee. Dark, dark, dark...like the beckoning arms of sleep. Nope. Must get out of bed._

Waking up in the morning without having Brian's arms around her... a sharp pain jabbed her through the heart, almost knocking her over. She gripped the edge of the counter. _No weakness. It's just life – break-ups happen. Things happen; things change._

_**Nothing changes. Except what has to**._

She staggered over to the coffee pot and prepared her favorite blend. While she waited for the coffee to finish, she rubbed her temples and sighed. She loved Cassidy; she really did. But something hadn't felt quite right in some time. They had been there for each other at the lowest times in their lives. Maybe that's all it was.

Maybe love was too much for her to hope for.

Too much for her to ever attain.

Maybe she was doomed to be alone for the rest of her life.

Her heart ached – she missed him. He had helped heal the part of heart that had atrophied when Stabler (she couldn't bring herself to calm him Elliott) left without a word. A part of her heart that had been surrounded by a wall nine feet high and a bazillion feet thick. The wall had come down when Cassidy had entered her life.

And now he was gone. Like everyone else in her life.

Munch.

Cragen.

She stared at her mug, her heart aching.

Maybe she was damaged goods. Maybe he couldn't deal.

_Stop it, Olivia, _she chided herself, _you know that's bullshit. Brian, of all people, could deal. Life just got in the way and, sometimes, just sometimes, things simply don't work out. Sometimes people are placed in each other's lives for a season, and that season is all it ever is._

And what has Lindstrom told you, what have you told SO many victims? YOU are NOT damaged goods.

**_Nothing changes. Except what has to._**

Liv could feel the beads of sweat forming on her head but squashed the budding anxiety welling up in her throat. _Lewis is gone,_ she told herself, _he's not coming back. And you don't need Cragen, Munch, or Cassidy to handle yourself. You have to remember that or you won't be able to function_.

_You can save yourself. You did it before._

She straightened up and poured herself up a cup of coffee and took a large gulp. _Goddammit_, she swore as the black liquid burned her tongue and her throat. _This is DEFINITELY a Monday._

After quickly consuming her coffee, she jumped into the shower. She quickly and thoroughly cleaned herself, concentrating on areas where Lewis had once focused his attention. As his face flashed into her mind, she forced herself to concentrate on scrubbing herself, trying to avoid scrubbing herself raw.

As she had for days, for weeks, after Lewis had touched her.

About an hour later, she walked into the 16th. And immediately noticed Amanda and Nick talking quietly to themselves.

She raised an eyebrow.

Those two had been 'funny' for the last couple of days. Oh, they probably didn't think they were being 'funny' – but she knew better. Fifteen years with the squad – she was no babe in the woods and definitely not wet behind the ears. There was definitely something up with those two – she just wasn't sure what it was.

"Morning, Rollins, Amaro," she greeted.

"Oh, hi there, Liv," Amanda smiled, a little self-consciously, putting her hair behind her ear. Olivia raised an eyebrow and Rollins flushed faintly. _Rollins can't hide much_, Liv thought, with amusement. _I wonder what's going on there_.

Nick coughed awkwardly. Liv looked at him and noticed a faint red flush on his neck. _That man really can't hide much either_, she thought fondly, _he wears his emotions on his sleeve. There is _definitely _something going on._

She frowned and then looked at Amanda and then at Nick.

"Is there something I should know about?" She asked.

"Nothing, nope." Rollins stuttered a little.

Amaro said nothing, fiercely focusing on his computer screen as if it held the answers to the universe. And maybe it did – so many times they'd cut a break through information they found online. Munch used to sardonically call it _creepy magic_.

That man had such a paranoia about technology. And about everything else.

"Okay then," Liv wasn't convinced but let it drop. "Let's get going, shall we?" She gave both of them a thorough look and then turned and walked away.

She missed the quick glance that Nick and Amanda gave each other.

But Odafin Tutuola, who had glanced up casually a few moments before, didn't.

He frowned thoughtfully – especially when he caught Nick glancing at Amanda quickly when she was walking away from him. And thought about that one day back when Liv had quickly bit off: _**You two need to get a room.**_

At the time, Fin thought Liv had simply been snarky and tired but now he wasn't so sure. Had she seen something he hadn't?

_I hope what I'm seeing is not what I think I'm seeing..._

"I'm telling you _she knows_," Nick said heatedly to Amanda, as they took a quick break in the cribs.

"So what?" Rollins responded, "If it's not affectin' our job, it's really not any of her business."

"I'm just," Nick rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "this could blow up in our faces."

"I didn't notice you worryin' about that the other night." Rollins smirked.

Nick flushed. "Workplace romances..." he started to say.

"Amaro," Amanda said, "_shut up_." And kissed him on the mouth.

And, being a fairly typical hotblooded heterosexual male with an astoundingly poor sense of judgment, Nick shut up.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: _Shit and the Fan_

Disclaimer: **Still not mine. All Dick Wolf's. And, yes, there are going to be discrepancies given that Declan Murphy is not in this story at this time. And my sincere apologies for gratuitous Rollaro. I'm trying to get ride of it! **

Olivia looked around the office, still unaccustomed to it being "hers." She touched the top of the desk, deep in memories many, many, _many_ hours spent on the other side of it being chided by Cragen. She opened one of the drawers and touched the picture that showed a beaming Cragen with Liv at one of her dinner parties.

Oh how, she missed Cragen; his paternal smile and attitude, his refusal to put up with any bullshit and the way he had his detectives' six even when the politic thing to do would be to disavow. He had put up with her shitty attitude so many times, rather like an indulgent parent.

But he also had never been afraid to tell her to cut the shit and pull her ass together.

And now the command of the squad was hers. For the moment.

She jumped slightly as her computer made a slight beep, indicating an incoming email.

Turning towards her laptop, she quickly looked at the screen.

_For Your Eyes Only._

Liv frowned. She didn't recognize the email address and wondered how it had bypassed the spam filter. Reaching for the mouse she was about to delete it when she noticed that there was an attachment.

It could have been a virus. Or a spam message.

But Liv had a feeling that it wasn't either of those.

Later, she would kick herself for being so stupid to open a strange attachment (especially after her stint with the computer crimes division.) But, at the moment, she had a strange feeling she was meant to see what was in this message. She slowly clicked on the attachment...

"_What a day," _Amaro stretched on Amanda's couch, "_I don't know how Liv has managed to deal with this for fifteen years. I have been barely able to manage the last two. My marriage crumbled, shot a kid..." _He shook his head.

"_You're tellin' me," _Amanda replied, "_I've been shot, set up for murder, my stuff stolen...I'm tellin' you, Nick, this job isn't good for anyone who wants to keep their sanity."_

Amaro frowned. _"Something tells me I won't be pulling a Benson and making it fifteen years."_

Amanda looked at him softly, "_Never say never. Life has a weird way of being...well...life. Just when you make plans, shit happens."_

Nick stared at her, "_I don't want this for the rest of my life. I don't want to go to bed and wake up in the night with nightmares of all the victims I couldn't save. I don't know how Liv has managed to do this, day in and day out for so long. I can never get used to this and I don't think I'd ever want to."_

"_You can't blame yourself for the victims you couldn't save._" Amanda responded, touching his arm, "_Just do the best you can – and take comfort where you can, from the ones who understand."  
><em>

She turned to Nick and kissed him on the mouth, unbuttoning the top of her flannel shirt.

_"What the fuck?" _Nick pulled away, slightly startled.

Amanda grinned. "_What's the matter, detective? Don't tell me you haven't been thinking about this."_

_"Damn, Rollins,_" he shook his head, "_this isn't the best idea._"

"_Screw that!"_ Amanda said hotly. "_Is there anything in the rule book that says we can't have a personal life?"_

Nick looked like he was going to say something...but then reached for Rollins.

As if in a daze, Liv found herself staring at footage of her two detectives getting hot and heavy. Almost in a trance, she couldn't look away as their clothes went every which way.

_God_, she thought irrelevantly, _Amaro's a handsome guy_. _And built like hell. _

_And, damn, he's got moves._

Before she could travel too far down that path, she pulled herself up short.

_Dammit, Liv, you just broke up with Cassidy. You shouldn't be noticing how hot other guys are – especially ones like Nick Amaro. He's your partner and, wow, complicated._ _Not to mention this video was obviously obtained illegally..._

_But, Amaro, why Rollins?_

Finally, she couldn't take the impromptu strip/porn show any more and she clicked out of the attachment. _It is too early in the morning for this type of headache_, she thought, _and how am I supposed to deal with this clusterfuck?_

And why the hell didn't I turn it off?

She was disgusted at herself.

Liv liked Amaro. Despite his hot head and his tendency to go off half-cocked, he was a good partner, loyal, and devoted to his daughter and, when they had been together, to Maria. He also was an amazing father to Gilberto, the son he hadn't know he had until a few months ago.

He had a good heart. He _cared_, the way she did, about the victims. They weren't just statistics to him.

So Liv knew she couldn't fault the two of them for hooking up. She had done that once - when she was younger and new to the precinct. _Oh, Cassidy..._she remembered, a pang in her heart, they both had been so young, so foolish.

And she had shot him down so hard. Her heart ached. _Oh, Brian, how I miss you._

Yes, of all people she understood the stress and toll that sex crimes took on a person.

The toll it took on Elliot Stabler – her partner for twelve years – who had abruptly turned in his papers and turned his back on the precinct, on her...without a word. Olivia still had never completely forgotten or forgiven how he had hurt her.

_I helped his wife deliver their son._

_I offered to give him a kidney._

_I refused to shoot him in the head._

And he still had walked away and not said a word to her.

His partner.

His friend.

In some ways, she had been closer to him than he had been to Kathy. But he hadn't hesitated to turn and walk away from her – even though they had shared so much together. It had shattered her heart, made her cry the tears she had been holding in for so long, made her _vulnerable_.

_Fuck you, Elliot.  
><em>

And how Brian had to walk away, because the price the job was asking of him was too high for him to pay._  
><em>

So, really, she couldn't judge anyone for the choices they made outside of the job.

Except, _Amaro, what the fuck were you thinking? _

She was startled to discover that a part of her felt betrayed. And she wasn't totally sure why.

Liv had, in the last several months, finally felt that she had begun to sync with Amaro. It had taken her a long, long time to get over Elliot but she had finally begun to warm up and trust Nick to watch her six. Despite her initial reluctance and suspicion and downright hostility.

On the other hand, she had never quite forgiven Rollins the troubles her gambling mess had caused.

Never quite trusted her judgment again.

Forgiven, perhaps.

Forgotten? Never.

And especially had never forgiven her for the snippy reference to her counseling sessions with Lindstrom.

And to see Amaro revealing an intimate side of himself to ROLLINS, of all people, when she had been unable to get Nick to open himself up to her on many occasions, felt like a betrayal. Why had he been able to open up to _Rollins_ and not to her?

Illogical? Maybe. Okay, definitely.

Irrational? Perhaps. Okay, definitely.

But there were other considerations too. After that clusterfuck of a mess with Maria – to saddle himself with Rollins and her baggage? What the hell was he thinking?

_Really, Amaro, REALLY?_

Liv laughed shortly. _That's right_, she thought, _he was thinking with his dick. Like every man in the world. _

And pulled herself up short, realizing that she was being a bit unfair – different people handled the stress of the job in different ways.

_But, seriously, Amaro, ROLLINS?_

She frowned thoughtfully – pondering the best way to handle the big steaming pile of shit that had landed in her lap.

Whether it was really her job to interfere.

And yet more questions kept invading her brain.

_Who had sent that video and why? _

_And did they have other cameras in that apartment? What were they after?_

_Why had they sent her a sex tape of Rollins and Amaro?_

_What the hell was going on?_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: _Messed up_

Disclaimer: **Still the property of Dick Wolf.**

Warning: **Gratuitous Rollaro.**

Odafin Tutuola eyed his partner and Nick Amaro suspiciously. Something was definitely up with those two. He hadn't forgotten when Liv had said – somewhat in disgust – _those two should just get a room already_. He had grinned and somewhat laughed it off at the time but Rollins and Amaro had been acting funny for the past week or two.

And he wasn't a wet-around-the-ears rookie. He knew when shit was going down.

His eyes narrowed at the youthful detective, who normally looked fashionably put together. Every so often, Nick's eyes would glance from the picture of Maria and Zara on his desk to Rollins, who would be rolling a piece of her hair around her finger.

And there was just something in his eyes that made Fin uneasy.

_Shit_, he thought, _that kid better not be thinkin' of messin' around with Amanda. She's been through enough shit. And he's got enough on his plate, he does not need to be dippin' the pen in the company ink._

"Amaro," Rollins leaned over Nick's desk, "cribs. I need to talk to you."

Fin raised an eyebrow.

Nick looked slightly uncomfortable, running a finger under his collar as if to loosen it. "Can't it wait? I've got a ton of paperwork to do."

Amanda just looked at him.

Nick sighed, shoved back his chair and got up. "All-right but let's make this quick."

Amanda's lips twitched, trying to hold back a smile.

_Damn, he's whipped_, was Fin's first thought.

So he focused on the reports he was filling out, trying to avoid raising their suspicions. _It could just be nothing, they've partnered on a couple cases lately and maybe they need to review the details. But why would they need the cribs? Yeah, "review the details" my ass. Shit_, he thought, _shit, shit shit_. _What the fuck are they trying to do?_

"Fin," Liv's voice called from the doorway, "can I speak to you a moment?"

_Oh, fuck. She has_that _tone in her voice. That ain't good._

He shuffled into her office.

"What's up, Liv?" He asked, concerned by both her tone and the look on her face. She was very, very good at making her face unreadable but he could always tell when something was troubling her.

They had been friends and partners for over ten years. He knew when something or someone was troubling his sergeant. Hard not to; he had seen her at some of her most vulnerable points, he knew how to read her.

It was the look in the eyes.

The eyes that had never looked the same since she had been abducted now twice by William Lewis.

Eyes that had seen too much. Eyes that were haunted, pained, _old_.

"What is it, Liv?" He asked her again softly, speaking to her in the way he often had when she was hurting or going through flashbacks. Like gentling a startled deer.

Without speaking, she gestured at Fin to come around the desk and clicked on a link on her laptop. Putting her arms around her stomach as if to brace herself, she turned away and looked out the window.

Fin looked at the video – evidence of what he had suspected was the case between Amaro and Amanda.

He saw their bodies entwined between the sheets, the frantic, hungry desperation between two people whose work on the streets and personal lives had sent them both through hell.

The desire to just _escape_ from it all.

He heard the bedroom talk – the lazy, casual admissions from Nick to Amanda about things that had been weighing on him. The shooting of the boy and the toll it had taken on him. Things that had gone wrong between him and Maria.

The moments of intimacy were so intense that Fin became uncomfortable. Quickly, he reached over and paused the recording.

"Liv, that's enough." He said firmly but gently. "Where did this come from?" He wanted to, but didn't ask: _And why the fuck did you watch_?

"I don't know," she said quietly, "I didn't recognize the email address."

"And you opened it?" Fin asked, "that could have been spam or a virus. Damn, Liv, you know better than that."

"I had a feeling I needed to open it." She said, turning to him. "I can't expect you to understand that, Fin."

"You've got that right. I don't. But now that you have, what are you going to do?" He looked at her intently.

"About the recording or about Amaro and Rollins?" Liv responded

"Both."

Liv pursed her lips. "Cassidy and I first hooked up 13 years ago, when we were both working the 16th. Didn't end well. So I can't claim the moral high ground here but I do think it's a very, very bad idea for both of them. They're adults; I can't tell them what to do in their spare time but they certainly can't be partners."

"They're going to claim that they won't let it cloud their judgment." Fin warned.

"Fin, you and I both know that's bullshit. There was never anything between me and Elliot – but there _were_ times we both put each other before the job. It is impossible to completely have your head on the job when you are emotionally and physically involved with one another."

Fin looked at her steadily. "Are you sure that's why you think it's a bad idea?"

"What else could it be, Fin? We _all_ know how these workplace hookups tend to end up."

"Doesn't mean it'll happen that way for them, though." Fin pointed out reasonably.

"You _know_ this is a bad idea." Liv said.

"Sure I do." Fin said, shrugging. "But they're adults – let them fuck up their own lives and deal with the shitty fallout. They're entitled to be morons. It comes with the territory."

"Not when it could impact the squad." Olivia looked at him. "I'm the commanding officer – the _last_ thing I need is more crap from this precinct."

"You won't get an argument from me." Fin said, heading for the door. "But be honest with yourself, Liv. Why is this _really_ botherin' you so much?"

He turned and walked out, leaving Liv to ponder the question in a cold silence.

"Amanda," Nick said, buttoning up his shirt, "we're going to get caught. You know this."

"Hell, I don't care. Look, I like the sergeant. I do. But what's it going to take for her to forgive me for that undercover op with Murphy?" Amanda groused, sliding on her pants. "I figure I can't possibly make this situation any worse."

"Liv's a professional." Nick said. "She's not going to hold that against you for the rest of your life and she's certainly not going to make this place uncomfortable for you."

"She already did -" Amanda responded heatedly, "when she told me she'd prefer I'd transfer out."

"Can you blame her? She had to lie to Fin and to me for you." Nick told her.

"Wait, are you holdin' this over my head too?" Amanda said angrily. "Because I thought you were better than this."

"I just fucked your brains out in the cribs." Nick said hotly.

"That doesn't mean you don't resent me for that." Amanda responded.

"What is your problem?" Nick said, "What are you looking from me here?"

"I don't know," she sat back on the crib bed, hair tussled and blouse undone. "Just nothing has gone right for me this year…with Kim, that wreck of a UC with Murphy, being shot…" She blinked rapidly to clear the tears from her eyes.

Nick sat down on the bed. "Look, people understand that Kim is not your fault and that you really didn't have a choice with Murphy. And being shot? NOT YOUR FAULT. How many times do we tell the victims the same things?"

"But they still resent me for it. I'm never going to live it down…" Amanda knew he was making good points but was still deeply immersed in a pity party.

"Amanda," Nick lost his patience, "grow _up_. It's not all about you, dammit. Have you even thought about the hell Liv's been going through? She's been brutalized by Lewis _twice_. She had his brain matter and blood on her face. Look, I get it, you've had tough breaks. We all have. But Liv has had it more than most. So maybe it's time for you to realize that it's not all about you."

He grabbed his jacket and slammed the crib door behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: _Questions_

_**Author's Note**__: __This was my first SVU story written several, several months ago so Rollins (and some others) may seem OOC. I'm still relatively new to writing SVU stories so please bear that in mind when you see things that might seem strange to you. I have since come around to considering Rollins a bit more sympathetically than I do in this story._

_**Warning:**__Gratuitous Rollaro for those of you who don't like that type of thing._

_Shit._

Amanda flopped back down on the crib bed. She had really blown that conversation to hell. But, _damn, _why weren't people cutting her some slack? After the hell she had been through with Kim, getting shot...multiple betrayals by people she trusted, why couldn't they give her a break? Why did they always, _always_, side with Benson?

It's not that she didn't like Benson. She did. A lot.

She respected her. The woman had been through hell and back twice. Been painted by the darkness and survived. And she seemed to emerge from it stronger than before.

She was the woman Amanda wished she could be.

Olivia Benson never cracked. She was super human or something. Amanda would sometimes walk into the precinct half expecting Benson to be wearing some kind of cape. Something in a dark grey, black, or brown. Never one for bright, flashy colors her sergeant. Lots of drab.

And Amanda resented that. _Damn, lady_, she would think from time to time, _it's okay to show that you are NOT okay. That you are not fine. Why do you have to be so strong all the damn time?_

_And why did she have to have _everything? No one ever criticized her – _Saint Benson_. From the way she had come down so hard on Amanda over the undercover operation with Murphy to the way that everyone always defended her decisions and had her back. No matter what.

(Conveniently, Amanda had seemed to block out Benson's rash pursuit of Lewis.)

_Saint fucking Benson_. She couldn't compete. Did she even want to?

Nick Amaro leaned against the wall after his abrupt departure from the cribs. He ran his hands through his hair and closed his eyes, groaning softly.

_How the fuck did I let things get so complicated?_

The thing – whatever you wanted to call it – with Amanda had started pretty casually. Although the attraction had been simmering for awhile – there was just something about the pretty blonde that had gotten to him. Maybe it was the sense of vulnerability he spotted behind her eyes. Maybe it was her sassy attitude. Or maybe it was the way she genuinely cared about people.

They had gotten a drink together one night after a particularly difficult case and she had invited him up to her place to watch a movie.

Yes, it was truly cliched. Like a badly written romantic comedy. Even with the fucking glasses of wine – which he didn't even really like, it was cheap and rank, slimy and slick on his tongue. But it got the job done.

One thing led to another and he found his mouth on hers, his hands all over his body and she was delightfully receptive. Fierce, passionate, and wild in bed. The things she did... Nick groaned as he felt himself getting hard again.

Even after a quickie in the curbs room.

Nick couldn't exactly turn that down. And she was fun to be with – most of the time.

But today she had sounded like a child, petulant, demanding, needy.

Not like the Rollins he had grown to admire and respect, the scrappy fighter, the one you couldn't keep down. The one who wasn't afraid to stand down the toughest perp.

He didn't like this side of her. It wasn't the woman he had begun to fall for, the one he had connected with…

Not at all.

He remembered asking Rollins at one point during their quickie in the cribs, _"what do you want from me?"_

At that point, Amaro had seen something behind her eyes for a moment, a glimpse of something vulnerable, that had quickly disappeared behind an icy-blue wall. She had laughed. "_Nothin', baby, just lookin' for some _fun."

There had been no talking after that point.

_Damn_, Nick thought, _Amanda's fun, she's terrific in bed, and scrappy and smart and a good person but not too long ago I had been hoping that my family could be reunited. Dios, I hope she doesn't want more than I can give._

And within a span of ten minutes, Amaro went from a horny, satisfied male to feeling that he was drowning with no way of resurfacing. The lump in his throat became a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

_Where's the life preserver?_

And another thought popped into his head almost immediately afterwards: _how am I going to explain this to Liv?_

Nick winced as he remembered the bedroom talks he and Amanda had. The things he had told her ~ the parts of his life that he had exposed to her as they had lain naked under crisp cotton sheets. He remembering telling her of the problems he had with Maria, problems that had been there long before the final implosion. And juxtaposed with these sexy and disconcerting images were the times that Liv had asked him if he had wanted him to talk.

And he had shot her down, not wanting to open himself to her scrutiny and possible censure.

At first, he and Liv had butted heads. She had been devastated by losing Elliot and had resented Nick for taking his place. And he had tried to warm up to her, only to get shot down. And shot down hard at moments. It was Badass Benson after all.

But eventually they had formed a warm and comfortable relationship ~ he had grown to admire her, strongly respect her, and, in some respects, been very attracted to her. _Any_ male who said they weren't in some way attracted to Olivia Benson was either gay or a liar.

She had a tremendous core of strength within her that he often wished he had. He saw it in the way she talked to the victims, in the way she handled the perps, and how she treated her co-workers. The compassion, the empathy and the stalwart determination to do the right thing.

Despite her faults, she was everything he wished he could be. Everything he had failed to be so many times.

And the thought of possible disappointment in her eyes and hurt – _oh god, the hurt_ – he couldn't do that to her. He couldn't betray her like so many others had.

Even though his "relationship" with Amanda wasn't a betrayal, the fact that he had opened up to her in the way he had refused to do with Liv would disappoint Benson. A lot. And worse than Liv's anger was the look of disappointment in her face.

He couldn't let her down. He wouldn't disappoint her.

Even if it meant letting Amanda go.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five: _Revelations_

_Disclaimer_: **Characters are still Dick Wolf's. And I'm really tired of repeating this disclaimer so consider all the other chapters "disclaimed."**

**Author's note: **

"Amaro," Liv's husky voice broke into Nick's brooding thoughts, "have you seen Rollins?" Nick opened his eyes and caught Liv's deep brown ones.

There was something in them that troubled him ~ he couldn't put his finger on what it was.

Something slightly cooler than normal.

Something resembling… _disappointment_. Something that he had hardly ever seen in her eyes since their partnership had become more solid, more tangible, more _real_.

And he wanted to make it right. Whatever – or whomever – had put that disappointment in her eyes, he wanted to undo the damage. Wanted it desperately.

Why he wanted it so much was a puzzle to him. But Nick didn't pause to think about it much. He wasn't by nature an introspective man. If he _had_ been more of a thinker, he may have saved himself many, many, _many_ problems in the past.

He led with his heart. And sometimes his heart _really_ fucked up. Fucked things up beyond all recognition. Hell, FUBAR should be engraved on his tombstone.

"I think I saw her in the cribs a little while ago." He said. "Want me to get her?"

"Please." She said abruptly. "Make it quick." Liv turned her back on him quickly and walked back to the office, shutting the door quietly. A barrier against the interruptions and distractions of the world.

Her wall. Her barrier.

Fin didn't miss one moment of this interaction. He shook his head.

Liv was a strong, strong woman. One of the strongest he'd ever known. Hell, he was so proud of her. Most women – shit, most people – in her position would have completely broken after one round with Lewis.

She had gone _two_ rounds – two rounds of unbelievable horror (she still didn't talk about much that had gone down there) – and _survived._ _Survived and beat the bastard. __In more ways than one, he suspected._

_She had gone into the valley of the fucking shadow of death and beaten death back._

Fin hoped that the man was rotting in hell ~ at the very lowest and hottest point.

He would have been more than happy to have sent Lewis straight to hell himself had the prick not made one final _fuck you_ to Liv.

The world was better off with him dead.

Fin was worried about Liv, though. He knew she saw some shrink but Cassidy was gone and he had been one of her tether lines, keeping her grounded, keeping her floating when she had been drowning. She would deny it, of course – but Fin knew that Cassidy had touched and rooted some part of her and she had thrived.

Cassidy had made her happy, had brought a smile to her face that Fin rarely had seen. And now he never saw it.

He didn't doubt Liv could handle herself. She didn't need a man to make her happy or to "complete" her or some such bullshit like that. But Cassidy had given her some semblance of a normal life; a life outside of the precinct.

A life where she wasn't been haunted and hunted by her own personal demons in the faces of the victims she would help.

He had been watching her face, the little he could see when she wasn't looking at the video of Amaro and Rollins doin' the nasty. It had looked _brittle_, pained, _betrayed_.

Betrayed because Amaro was opening himself to Rollins the way he wouldn't do with her, his own partner. He would rather turn to a fuck buddy than to his own partner to talk about what was eating at him.

Fin had seen Liv try with Amaro so many times. Only to have him say _nothing's wrong _or _I don't want to talk about it_. He'd walk off from his desk, leaving Liv frowning and looking a bit lost.

The last time he had seen that look that she had had on her face was when Cragen had just told her that Stabler had put in his papers, that rat bastard. He had wanted to beat the shit out of him for the pain he had put Liv through.

_Aw, shit, baby girl,_ he thought. _Don't let this be the straw that breaks your back. He ain't worth it. He's a good kid but not for you, Liv._

Nick knocked on the crib door. "Are you decent?" he barked.

"Yeah," Rollins said, buttoning up the rest of her shirt, "what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Tired and really not wanting to talk about it right now, okay?" he said abruptly.

"I thought quickies were supposed to help people feel better, not become total assholes." Amanda grumbled under her breath.

Nick didn't respond. He didn't want to start another argument; not here, not in the precinct.

"Liv wants to see us."

"Do you know what for?" Amanda asked.

"No. And I didn't ask."

"Ok, ok, just askin'..." she mumbled. _Man, what a prick_, she thought.

"Can you two come in here, please?" Liv asked, all sergeant now.

Amanda and Nick both shuffled into the room, nervous and uncertain.

Nick tried to meet Liv's gaze but she seemed to be gazing at a point far past his head. _Come on, Liv, _he pleaded internally, _what's wrong? Why won't you look at me?_

Liv turned the laptop around to them.

"I thought the two of you should see this. I don't know who sent it." Her face was stoic, eyes carefully gauging their reaction.

Amanda had her hand over her mouth, eyes wide in horror.

"Oh my God," she said, "who the hell taped this and when the fuck were they in my apartment?"

She was struck with an overwhelming feeling of nausea and bile forced its way into her throat. She grabbed for the nearest chair and sank into it, her knees feeling like jelly.

"And don't tell me it isn't what it looks like." Liv said tightly. "Because this is _exactly_ what it looks like."

"I'm not going to apologize for that," Nick responded angrily, "what we do in our personal life is our business. Not this precinct's business, not the NYPD's business, not _your _business. _Ours_."

"Workplace romances between co-workers are a bad idea, Nick." Liv said calmly. "We need to have our heads in the game at all times. What if something happens to Amanda? How are you going to be able to do your job if you're worried about the safety of your girlfriend all the time?"

"You mean like you were with Cassidy?" Nick snapped back.

Liv's face tightened but that was the only indication that Nick's comment had cut deeply.

"That was different and you know it." She said tightly. "This is a bad idea. And IAB will be on both your asses. And MINE."

"Why are you more worried about us and how this department will look instead of who the hell got into my apartment and filmed me having SEX?!" Amanda said heatedly.

"Rollins, trust me, we'll find the bastard who did this." Liv said. "But we have to deal with **this**," she said, gesturing at both Nick and Amanda, "first."

She sat down behind her desk. "If you two are determined to be involved..." Nick didn't miss the slight hesitation and tremble in her voice, "...then you can't be partners anymore. I can't run the risk of this interfering with your job."

She held up her hand to stop Nick's protest. "Before you say how unfair I am, what would you do if, in the course of an investigation, Amanda was kidnapped...and you had to choose between her and the case you were working on? Are you _so_ sure you would choose your job?"

She looked Nick in the eyes now, reading the uncertainty and reluctance in his face. He knew she was right – and hated it.

"You know you can't be partners." She said softly, gently but firmly. Her eyes softened as she scanned his face, reading his reluctant acknowledgment.

During this entire discussion, Amanda felt very uncomfortable. She felt ill at the thought that someone had been in her apartment, going through her things, and taping her. She felt violated and dirty. Sick to her stomach.

But watching Nick and Liv was something else. It was surprisingly intimate. She felt that there was a whole byplay that she was missing. It was almost uncomfortable being there with the two of them talking. Amanda felt like a third wheel.

She moved awkwardly to break the tension.

"Rollins," Liv said, not breaking her gaze with Nick, "I'll pair you with Fin. You two work well together. Nick, you'll be working with me."

She finally turned to Amanda. "Is that clear, detective?"

"Yes, sergeant," Amanda said, somewhat sulkily.

"And, Amanda," Liv looked at her steadily, kinder now, "we will get the son of a bitch who did this to you. No one, _no one_, has the right to violate you like that." She looked at Amanda ~ although her history with Rollins was shaky and there were some lingering issues there, she felt for the humiliated detective.

No one should have their sexcapades exposed to outside eyes without their permission.

She could only imagine how violated Amanda felt right now. "We'll get them," she repeated firmly, "I promise you that."

"Thanks, Sarge." Amanda smiled at her shakily and the two women nodded at one another, having established another tenuous truce.

"Now I think we all have some paperwork to catch up on." Liv said. "Keep your personal lives off the job and we'll be good. You're dismissed."

Amanda nodded and left quickly, stomach churning, not wanting to stay in there any longer.

Nick hesitated.

"Is there something that you need?" Liv said, a little brusquely.

He scanned her face and stepped towards her, "Liv..."

Just then, Fin popped his head through the door. "We've got a call."

He looked between Liv and Amaro. "We all good here?"

"Just fine." Liv got up, grabbed her coat. "Let's go."

Nick sighed and followed her out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Chapter six: _Flashback_

_Every morning, every evening, ain't we got fun?__  
><em>_Not much money, oh, but honey, ain't we got fun?__  
><em>_The rent's unpaid dear and we haven't a bus__  
><em>_But smiles were made dear for people like us._

_In the winter, in the summer, don't we have fun?__  
><em>_times are bum and getting bummer__  
><em>_still we have fun._

_~ Aint We Got Fun, _lyrics by Raymond Egan and Gus Kahn

Olivia woke up abruptly, drenched in cold sweat, sheets soaked in perspiration. The images of Lewis shoving his tongue against her duct-taped mouth popping into her head

_That goddamned song_ _is a trigger. Who knew?_

Liv hadn't had a flashback that bad in several weeks. She got out of bed, now completely wide awake, and looked at the clock.

_3:00am_ - in many cultures considered the witching hour. She remembered a time when Elliot had told her that 3am was considered the most demonic of times because it was the opposite time of 3pm, the hour when Christ died and saved humanity. So the demons would become more active at that hour.

Well, she didn't know about all that Christ saving humanity thing because where was He when she needed saving? What kind of God would sit idly by as little children got raped and killed? Where was He when she was tied up and subjected to unspeakable torture by William Lewis?

Yeah, safe to say she wasn't a big fan of God. If there even was one. Which she doubted.

Today's victim had been four years old. _Four_. Raped and strangled. Olivia had gotten somewhat accustomed to the atrocities she witnessed on the job but it had never stopped affecting her. Never stopped bothering her. But in the years since she had started at the sixteenth, she had learned to disassociate herself from the brutal crime scenes.

She had to.

Or the images of all those victims would destroy her.

But what she _could _believe in were demons. Yes, she could believe in the idea of demons and monsters coming out to play at night. Under the cover of darkness where people were most vulnerable. Dancing and laughing in the shadows, waiting to exploit any weakness they could find.

Oh, she believed it.

But demons didn't stop at the night. They came out during the daytime too, cloaking themselves in the veneer of civility and humanity. Wearing the masks of normal human beings.

That little child, whose body she had seen today, broken and violated, hadn't been killed by a creepy stranger. She was positive of that. No forced break-in, no disturbance of the surroundings. Liv was certain that someone the child had known had done this to her.

Someone the child had loved and trusted.

And who had promptly taken that trust and shattered it in the worst way possible.

_That son of a bitch was going down_. _Going down like all the other monsters and demons she had taken out. Going down for a long, long, _**_long_**_ time._

Liv rubbed her temples, a headache rapidly forming. She knew she wasn't going to get any sleep tonight.

When she had flashbacks this badly, her body refused to return to the comfort of slumber, fearful of even more nightmares. She got up, went to the kitchen, poured herself a glass of red wine.

Red like blood. And the taste of cabernet turned to ash in her mouth.

_**And the tigers come at night…with their voices soft as thunder…**_

Out of the darkness, she heard the sound of a belt buckle being undone and flinched.

_Don't think don't think don't think don't remember._

Liv swallowed down the bile that rose to her throat. She wasn't going to throw up again.

Not one more time.

_Lewis was dead, _she told herself, _he has no more power over you. Don't give him your life – then he wins, even from the abyss of hell._

Liv went over to the refrigerator and opened the freezer, sticking her hand on ice. The sharpness of the cold helped throw her out of the budding panic attack that she felt rising within her.

She hummed softly to herself.

_I will not think of belt buckles._

_I will not think of the harsh taste of vodka as it slides down my throat._

_I will not think of the click of the gun…_

She bit her lip hard, drawing blood.

_When will he ever go away?_

She could just hear Lindstrom in her ear: _It takes time, Olivia. You have been through tremendous trauma. Not just once but twice at the hands of William Lewis. Be gentle to yourself and remember what you tell the victims._

_Are you expecting yourself to be better than they are? No? Then don't ask more of yourself than you would from them._

_You're not super woman._

Desperately trying to shove the memories away, she turned her thoughts to Amanda and Nick.

A subject not as disturbing. But still disconcerting.

_Why had she been so bothered by the two of them?_

She had been partly distracted this morning, investigating the case, wondering why the thought of Rollins and Amaro had upset her so much.

Fin had been right – it hadn't been just the thought of the impact of their relationship on the precinct or how it would look to 1PP or IAB.

It had fundamentally bothered her on a deeper level.

And it disturbed her that she had reacted in a way that people could perceive as jealousy. To hell what people perceived, she _knew_ it was jealousy. She had always tried to be above that. Tried to keep her objectivity and a proper perspective.

_But why would she be jealous?_

Rollins had been through hell herself, with her sister, being shot, her gambling addiction, and now with the sextape.

She deserved to have something go right for her. And, frankly, Liv couldn't blame her for taking comfort where she could get it. _I have been too hard on her_, she thought, _harder than I have been with Amaro_. _And that's not right. That's not like me. That's not fair._

Olivia really was fond of Amanda and believed she could be a tremendous asset. And she had been. But that UC operation with Murphy had been such a clusterfuck, Liv couldn't have simply let that slide. Couldn't simply have forgiven and forgotten. And things hadn't been quite the same since then.

But Rollins was trying to get back into her good graces; really trying. And it would be unforgivable to let jealousy get in the way of that.

_But why the jealousy_?

Olivia knew there was only one answer.

Nick.

She almost laughed. The notion was ridiculous.

Nick was her partner. And she was his commanding officer. They were partners. There could be absolutely nothing between them.

And the idea was, frankly, absurd.

Or was it?

He had a good heart, loyal, passionate and intense. He was deeply devoted to his daughter and to the idea of family. There were times he had even briefly considered getting back together with Maria to keep their family together.

And Liv loved that about him. Loved that he was so dedicated to his family, to the people he loved. That he was willing to risk so much for them. They were his life.

Nicholas Amaro was a good man.

He gave so much of himself to the cases they worked; he _felt_ so much for each victim. She knew he did that because that's what she did too. She had just learned not to bring each case home; not to make each case personal.

To keep part of herself untouched by the brutality and violence she saw every single day.

But Liv could see that the job was wearing on him. Each day brought more lines to his face and put more grey in his hair

Nick had still not learned to compartmentalize.

She was starting to be afraid that he was going to burn out long before Elliot ever did. And she would hate to see him go the way she and Elliot had gone.

From "partners for life" to not speaking to one another in years.

From being closer than siblings to having more distance between them than the North and South Pole.

From being the best of friends to mere acquaintances.

It had broken her heart.

She had sympathized with Elliot and understood why he had walked away. Sometimes you just had to walk away to save your family, your sanity and your soul. Yet, she could not entirely forgive him for turning his back on her.

Because she had been his family too.

_Elliot….how I miss you, my old friend. Every so often, I look at my phone, half-expecting to see a voicemail notification from you._

_Every so often, I think I hear your familiar ring tone._

_I'm still waiting._

After losing Cassidy, she couldn't lose Nick. Not the way she lost Elliot.

Even pondering the possibility of losing him was more than she could bear.

Liv could lie all she wanted to other people but she couldn't lie to herself. She cared for Nick Amaro more than she had realized. Whether it was in a romantic way or simply as a friend, she wasn't sure. Ever since things ended with Cassidy, she had become rather distrustful of her own feelings and emotions.

Particularly when it came to romantic relationships.

The very thought of caring for someone else in a romantic way terrified her to her core, particularly when the possibility of loss was so very real.

_Will not think about loss._

_Will not think about heartbreak._

_Will not think of being abandoned again._

No, she wasn't going to go down that road yet one more time.

All of a sudden, she heard her phone ring.

_At 3:45 in the fucking morning?!_

She took a deep breath.

_Lewis is dead. He can't call you from hell._

She caught a glimpse of her phone and froze.

Her caller ID displayed two words. Words that made her blood run cold.

_Elliot Stabler_.


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter Seven: _Old Friends

_I was standing_

_You were there_

_Two worlds collided_

_And they could never tear us apart_

~Andrew Farris & Michael Hutchence, _**Never Tear Us Apart**_

Liv stared at the phone in her hand, frozen. For so long, she had waited for this phone call to happen.

Tried Eliot so many times, left so many messages – all unanswered.

All unacknowledged.

_Answer it or let it go to voicemail?_

Her finger hovered over the buttons ~ finally, on the fourth ring, she couldn't stand the waiting and she picked up.

"Benson." She answered firmly, proud that her voice showed no hint of her nerves, fear, and general exhaustion. No hint of the terrifying flashback that had woken her from a sleep that was light at best.

No hint of the rollercoaster of emotions she was on just seeing his name appear on her caller ID.

"Liv?" A familiar voice echoed in her ear. She almost dropped the phone.

"_El?"_ She asked in disbelief.

For a moment in time, she had half-hoped that the call was a prank. At least then she could rip the asshole a new one. But hearing Elliot's voice nearly undid her.

Even after the threat of rape and Lewis shooting himself in the head in front of her, Olivia had not broken. Even after days of torment at his hand before she was able to subdue him, she had not broken.

Vodka shoved down her throat.

Cigarette burns on her skin.

The belt buckle... she shuddered.

She still had not broken.

Even with his blood and brain matter on her face.

Not even then.

But that simple word. _Liv_.

It almost broke her.

"Yeah, Liv, it's me." The Voice was soft spoken and calm. She felt detached as she listened to it, as if she was watching and listening to herself speak on the phone. As if she wasn't really part of this scenario.

As if she was watching someone else take this phone call.

"_El?_" she repeated.

"Liv." He said gently. "It's me."

The tears started rolling down Olivia's face, her heart fracturing into a million pieces.

"_What the FUCK are you doing calling me NOW?" _she yelled, not caring if she woke up the whole fucking building.

"I'm sorry." He said simply.

"You're fucking _sorry_?" She stared at the phone in disbelief. "I _waited_ for you, Elliot. I _called_ you so many times. I _called_ and you never even bothered to return any single fucking one of my phone calls."

"I know. I'm sorry. Liv, you know I would have called..."

"Don't _give_ me that bullshit." She said angrily. "If you wanted to call me, you would have."

Elliot fell silent, as if in agreement.

"Do you know how long I waited for you to call me back? For you to tell me that you were all-right? For you to explain to me what was going on?! We were _partners_, Elliot – not just friends. We were _partners_ and you didn't trust me enough to talk to me."

Her voice broke as her heart did. Once again.

"I know there's nothing I can say to you to take back these last couple of years, Liv. All I can say is that I'm sorry. After that shooting, I hated myself. I hated the precinct. All I wanted to do is get away from it. And I realized that I could either save my job or my family.

I couldn't do both."

Liv stared at the phone, the tears that she refused to shed in front of Lewis now rolling down her face.

"You could have told me." She said softly. "Elliot, you were my family."

"I know, Liv," his voice was broken, "I know and I'm sorry."

"_Fuck_ you." She said heatedly. "_Fuck_ you and your apologies."

"I deserve that." He said.

"Do you even know what I've been through?" She said softly. "_Do you even know_?"

"I saw some things on the news." Elliot said awkwardly. "Your admission broadcast in Times square."

Liv was silent.

"I don't know what he did to you." Elliot said softly. "But I know _you_, you're a good cop. And I know you did only what you had to. What you needed to."

"No, you don't know what he did to me." Liv said wearily. "He tortured me. He humiliated me. I still have scars from the cigarette burns and the heated keys. That was just the beginning. I can send you the transcript from my shrink, if you'd like."

"Liv," Elliot's voice broke, "I am so sorry I wasn't there for you."

"I got through it." Liv's voice projected an air of calm and bravado that she wasn't feeling.

"Did you, Liv?"

"_Fuck you_, Stabler, you don't get to ask me that question. Not anymore. You don't get to call me up out of nowhere and pretend that things are the same. You don't get to do that." Liv was embarrassed at the crack in her voice. And the anger that was rolling through her body.

"Liv, I was wrong in how I handled that. I was a mess. That whole situation... just went so badly wrong." His voice broke. "If I had the chance to do it again, I'd do it differently."

"You know what I told Lewis?" Liv said casually. "I told him what you would do to him if you knew what he had done to me and to all the others."

_**My old partner would know what to do**_.

Elliot broke in. "_And I would have_, Liv. Had I known, I would have blown that son of a bitch so full of holes, he would have made a cheese grater look solid."

"But you didn't even bother to call, bother to write...how could you do that?" _To me_, she added silently.

"My priority was my family." Elliot admitted. "We were falling apart, Liv, we all were."

Dead silence over the phone.

She really couldn't argue with that.

"I'm not trying to make excuses." Elliot said, "But after that day, I was a mess." Liv didn't need to ask to what day he was referring. She knew.

"I'm not asking for excuses or even an apology." Liv broke in. "I just want you to know how badly that hurt me. I'm not sure you can ever say or do enough to make for how much that hurt. Do you know how many times I called you?"

Elliot named the exact number in a voice so low, she almost couldn't hear it.

"_I had to pack up your desk_, El." Liv said, with all the pain and anguish from the past years in her voice. "I had to _lie_ to Cragen and pretend everything was okay. He had to tell me to stop keeping your desk as a shrine to you."

"I know." He said quietly. "I know there's nothing I can do to try to make up for hurting you the way I did but I'd like to try."

"Does Kathy know?" Liv bit off viciously. And was instantly ashamed.

"Yes." He said calmly. "She was the one who told me to call you."

Liv was stunned into silence.

"Liv, Kathy has never hated you. For god's sake, you helped delivered Eli..." his voice broke, remembering that day, so very long ago. The day that she had helped save his son.

The day he had embraced her in his relief.

"How is Eli?" Liv asked softly, quickly embracing a safer topic.

"Growin' like a weed." Elliot chuckled. "Almost out of kindergarten. Has attitude like his old man."

"That kid is screwed then."

"Yep."

They lapsed into an awkward silence ~ the silence that used to be comfortable when they were partners.

A silence that now felt stilted and weighted with the burden of past sins and omissions.

"So are you planning on inserting yourself into my life again or is this just a one phone call thing?" Liv asked abruptly.

"I know things ended badly between us..."

"No, they didn't ended badly." Liv retorted. "They never ended at all – you just fucking walked away."

"...I want to make things right." Elliot said.

"Because _you_ want to or because Kathy wants you to?" Liv asked pointedly.

"Because _I_ want to." Elliot said. "I never forgot you, Liv, not _once_ during the last couple of years. I know you won't believe me but you have to trust me."

"I have a new partner now." Liv said.

"I heard." Elliot's voice cracked a little. "Is he good?"

"He's a hothead – not unlike a former Marine I know." Liv laughed abruptly.

"Does he have your back?" Elliot asked quietly.

"Not that it's any of your business but, yes, he does." Liv retorted. "He's a good man, a good partner."

"He should be." Elliot said quietly. "You deserve only the best."

Liv wasn't sure how to respond to that so she just stayed silent.

"Be happy, Liv." He said to her. "That's all I want for you."

Liv felt the salt of tears on her lips, on her tongue.

"I am," she said softly, "I've got a good squad."

"And you made sergeant too." He said quietly. "Congratulations. I always knew you could do it."

"Thanks." Liv said. And meant it.

And for that brief moment, they were as they used to be. Partners for life. Friends for always.


End file.
